On Creativity - This Is The Year.

I've always been a creative person.

I'm really not sure where it comes from, my father is a straight-laced Navy man, and the most art I have seen my mother create is cat photography. Not kidding.

So I'm not sure where the need for me to always be creating came from. When I was little I loved to draw and paint- but now that I'm older and have a severe patience deficiency, art has never been my calling. In middle school I realized I loved music, but could never sit down and learn how to play guitar like I wanted. (A dusty ukulele currently sits in my apartment bedroom) When I was in high school I loved the theater - and the opportunity to create a whole other person on stage. And when I came to college I discovered that I loved the written word even more than I thought.

I have always been a big reader. My mom reads even more than I do, and we always share recommendations of books to read. Although I still haven't forgiven her for not reading Harry Potter while simultaneously owning and re-reading the Twilight series, I more or less trust her judgement. When I came to college, I never expected to study English and writing, but that's how it happened. Basically my schoolwork was to read awesome things (or the CliffNotes of awesome things) and talk about what I thought it meant. And then I started to love poetry.

We all know where this is going - I love poetry, love to write it, read it, blah blah blah. But I've realized that without my professors (read: Doug) breathing down my neck to write, I haven't been. It's much easier to sit on the couch and watch Extreme Couponing for 4 hours. (True story) Of course, I keep up with this blog mostly, but this is all guarded writing, not anything like I was writing and publishing in my undergrad. The reason is because it's exhausting to actually process and translate your feelings into the written word. It's much easier to be numb.

One of the most frustrating things in the world is to look back at a year and realize you haven't written anything worth anything. I never really got why I liked writing so much - it's a very solitary act and for the most part I enjoy being social and with people. I work at a university and I absolutely love connecting with other staff on campus and the students that I still know. Most of the time I would rather go out and party with my friends than write a chapter of a novel or a poem. I never really got along with the people in my writing classes (other than the normal ones) because let's face it - writers are kinda weird.

So will I ever get there? Do I need to travel by train to Edinburgh and maybe the idea for the next great American (or British) novel will drop into my head? Or is it a practice of discipline? Should I free-write everyday? Am I capable of writing fiction or is it creative nonfiction for the rest of my life? Who knows. I love the idea of being a writer, but do I actually love to create the art? I saw this quote the other day and it stuck with me:

Maybe that's just what I need to do. Fight my way through. Finding my purpose in life is one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to take, but I feel it's probably worth it.

Mal xoxo