All Bad Things?

In a move that's completely out of character, I am up at 2:30 am writing a blog entry.

When I say out of character, I truly mean it. I went to bed at 10:17 last night, but I woke up around 1:00  not being able to go to sleep. I laid in bed thinking about all the things that I wanted to write because usually right before sleep is when my best ideas come. When sleep didn't arrive after my brainstorming session I realized that maybe it's a sign and I should get the words out before I forgot them.

When it comes to being an adult, I go through good days and bad days. Today was kind of a bad day.

There's a whole lot of cynicism when it comes to me handling my problems. Is it wrong to want all my college friends to graduate and not be able to find jobs/go through the same thing I am? I wish that I didn't wish that upon people but it's the only way to make them understand how I have felt the past year.

On the flip-side, the friends that are going through this right now I have absolutely no sympathy for because they weren't there for me when I was going through this, why should I be there for them? Which is a very selfish thought and I try to push that part of me aside.

There's a certain sadness that comes from graduating. You realize you're a not a commodity. Life goes on in college without you. Date parties happen, Homecoming happens, late night study sessions happen. All those things that defined your life, the things you look forward to, the things that you complained about and the traditions that you loved are not only not a part of your life anymore but are still going on without you. 


It's a very humbling feeling.

And let's face it, who really wants to be humbled?

There are some days when I feel on top of the world, like I can take on anything. I'll sit in my apartment that I pay for, go to my job that I love and earned, buy the things that I want to because I have the money, and generally thank my lucky stars for the things that I have. There's days where I'm so thankful for my my family and especially my friends that I can't stand it. There's days where I have so much fun at work, with my co-workers and doing something creative that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

But then there's days where being a twenty-something is just sad.

I keep asking my older friends, "What's good about being an adult?" and I've yet to find a suitable answer. I can see where the milestones can be fun, getting married, buying a house, starting a family, but those things are so far off in my life that it's hard to look forward  to (and I like it that way I want to have something to do in my thirties other than stare at the wall)

So I guess that's my current quest. Trying to find the good in my situation when it gets to be a bad day.

I don't want this to be a downer post, but let's face it, it's 2:30 in the morning and I can't call my boyfriend to complain (He seems to be non-existent). This stage of life is so overwhelming that it helps so much for me to write it out. I know how short the seasons of my life can be so in a few months I can come back and read this to see how far I've come.

But for now some Sleepytime tea (or maybe a nightcap, after this entry) and blog-reading is on the agenda so I can fall asleep.

Ciao,
Mal xoxo