I had a lot of stuff* to write about today but I guess none of it really matters because when I sat down to write this it all kind of fell away. It's been kind of a stressful week so far, I haven't even had time to sit down and watch Smash. I won't be able to read @JokeDiva's tweets until I do.
No, what I really wanted to talk about is my ever-present, looming, dark cloud of singleness. I haven't been on a date** since May of last year, and haven't "talked" aka "texted" anyone since January? I think that's right. My mission this year was to #DoYou, but spring is upon us and so is young love.***
When I sit down and think about it logically, there's no way I would want to enter in a serious relationship with someone. I've got big plans for myself and my life, I want to move away, I want to be able to do what I want to, I don't want to settle down too quickly. I like being selfish, I like being alone. I'm an only child. Throughout my 23 years of life I have learned to entertain myself and that's a good quality because as a result I'm low-maintenance. Being in a serious committed relationship with someone is kind of like signing your life away- here it is, here's my commitment and here's THE REST OF MY LIFE.
But- I do feel like I want the first-date-butterflies-is-he-going-to-kiss-me-on-my-door-step-let's-stay-in-bed-all-sunday-and-make-banana-pancakes-and-listen-to-john-mayer-pandora-radio-and-let's-dress-up-on-saturday-night-and-eat-somewhere-fancy-and-drink-champagne-and-I'll-keep-the-pace-with-you-while-you-run-can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series-kinda-stuff.
Without actually having to like, pay attention to someone and let them know where I'm going to be, or taking someone else's feelings into consideration. That just doesn't sound like something I'd be good at. I want the fun stuff - without the "working at it" stuff. But we all know how that turned out.****
I mean, I'm not really having the issue of if I want to be in a relationship or not. I have not met one person that I have liked/admired/been attracted to that I would want to spend all my time with. It's just the fact that I see it all around, and sometimes I want that too.
I am challenged to be happy with what I have right now. A place to live, a good steady job, loving parents and happy friends, talents and strengths and security and passion and drive to succeed. I know I need to put my faith in the process and I will reap the benefits in a way I can't even imagine is possible.
Mal xoxo
*Work is hard right now
**Using the term loosely
*** I saw a couple in City Bites that was so cute- the girl was standing at the sandwich counter, and her boyfriend came up behind her and dipped her then kissed her. So sweet.
**** See: BEDA 2011
1 comment:
Having a loving relationship with yourself is the most important relationship. You've got it, Tri. So many people want that, but can't attain it, even if they are in a dating relationship with someone else. Make sure whoever he is, whenever he comes, that he loves you just as much as you love yourself and more. You are my inspiration in so many ways. I am so proud of who you are.
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