Now Playing - "Everybody's Changing" by Keane

It seems like I've been writing blog entries forever when in fact I've only written 13. I feel like time goes by so slowly in the hours of the day but in actuality I can't believe it's been a year since my senior year of college. I can't believe I'm getting ready to move out of a house I have lived in a year. I feel like I FLEW through college, and time goes by faster every single year. Whoa. I can't believe how much I've changed.

To gain a little perspective, I looked at my Xanga Post on this day from SIX YEARS AGO: You all are seriously in for a treat.

Tuesday, April 13, 2005

It's kinda hard cause things ain't what they seem but it sure feels good to row gently down the stream and it all makes sense, life is but a dream so go merrily, go merrily, yeah I'd like to go merrily. I feel like giving up right about now. Bryce, I'm not sure if things WILL get better. I got grounded today for absolutley no reason. I have no gas. Parents are psyco. Christy and Cara are gone. Brit just called me from the Jason Mraz concert. I don't feel pretty. I heard today that someone thinks I have a really big stomach. It's enough that I think that about myself, but to hear it confirmed, oh man that hurts. I try to make fun of myself but that routine is getting pretty tiresome pretty fast. I want to dress up and look pretty tommorow, but I don't think that it will even matter. Will it? I thought I WAS pretty!! But obviously I have "really skinny arms and legs but just this huge stomach" Why is this bothering me so much?! I'm getting tired of having to make fun of myself. I think that's what I have to do in life, you know? But for once I want people to think that I AM pretty and I want people to want to be with me and be around me. Why am I being like this? Why am I whining? Jesus Christ! I think I should be able to whine just a little bit. Just until this passes. I need mashed potatoes. "...as long as their nail polish is drying, women are practically defenseless."

Oh Malory, if you only knew how skinny you really were.

I guess when they talk about teen angst, they were really right. I sound pretty emotional, insecure, and lacking in self-confidence. I'm whining about the small things - being grounded and not being able to afford gas - and now sometimes I think I would give anything to not have to worry about paying taxes or rent or eating cup-of-soup after cup-of-soup because it's really the only thing I can afford.

One thing about getting older is that I have this inherent urge to figure myself out. When I was 16, I just was who I was, and sure, I thought I was fat but the majority of the time I didn't care. Now I have to wrestle with spirituality, love, relationships, my personality, and who I want to be and what I want to do.

Something that I love about that post though, (excluding the LOL factor, because seriously? Who wasn't laughing when they read that?) is how honest I was. Standing there in front of God and everyone, I let the world know EXACTLY how I was feeling on Xanga. Sometimes that honesty eludes me - and sometimes I wish I could have it back.

But I guess it's all part of growing up.

Mal xoxo